What is #lovenotcontrol ?
Well it really is very simple and extremely easy to filter into your every day life. Many people have a tendency to think of love as being weak. It is not, it is very powerful and can really help to positively guide and teach.
Just like the Baby & Kids Yoga that I teach, 'Love Not Control' doesn't have to be perfect and will be slightly different for everyone. It's about finding what feels good for you and taking it from there. So, here goes, are you ready, this is what LoveNotControl is……
In a nut shell (lets say coconut shell as it is my true favourite) focusing on loving your child and yourself through a situation, guiding them with your love and lovingly teaching them will be invaluable to their self esteem and exploration of different emotions and their ability to move through them.
To control something means that you are focused on a fixed end result. For instance if I am controlling my football then I'm ensuring that it doesn’t roll in any direction apart from the path I want it to take. Now this seems logical. If we take this and now place it within the situation of a human and not an object, things change. For instance lets take a look at trying to control a baby crying, a toddlers tantrum or a teenagers hormonal emotional outbursts…………..
These can all be tricky and stressful waters to navigate because you are at the receiving end of someone else’s emotions and we have been made to believe that as a 'Good Parent' we should be able to;
- 'control' our child
- 'control' their behaviour and emotions
But rather than 'controlling' them, maybe our children need us to love them during these very emotional times.
Now lets hit pause just here. I am going to take you down the path of a Toddler Tantrum as most of you will have experienced this at home or if you do not have children then you have probably witnessed a toddler in the throws of a tantrum in a supermarket or on the high street.
Now a tantrum can be vocal, physical and definitely emotional. All or some of these will pierce through your self preservation armour leading you to possibly feel;
Out of control
By trying to control the Tantrum and control your child's emotions you are placing a fixed goal upon your little human. You are telling yourself that you need to change your child's emotional state and if you do not reach this goal you have failed. This can lead you to feel that list of emotions we have just explored all over again. With regards to the child at the most you will encourage them to possibly suppress their emotions (therefore not fully experiencing the begging, middle and end which is a learning experience) and at the least we will just stress ourselves out.
Love Not Control can really help in this situation to;
Rather than jump into the mindset of 'right I need to STOP this tantrum right now, this is silly behaviour, this is just not acceptable…….I want you to try this;
As you move into the situation breath in through your nose (for 4) and out through your mouth (for 6), remind yourself love not control and focus on loving, guiding and teaching your baby, toddler, child or teenager by……….
1. This is NOT about you this is about your child's emotions and about them learning how to navigate through this journey back to a state of calm.
2. Create a love bubble around you and your child blocking out the rest of the world and what ever else is going on in your day! This is really important. This allows you to not be influenced by other people or things going on in your day. So you are truly focused just on this moment.
3. Offer your child love through acknowledging their feelings. Talking about this out loud lets your child and people around you know that you are not ignoring the situation and that you are giving your full attention and support to your child. This can actually really help you to feel calmer and identify what it is that may be causing them to feel the way they do. With younger children they will start to learn words that will help them to describe their feelings.
4. Create a plan: Ask if they need you to do something to help them…..discuss if this is possible, why/why not. Some children get so upset they cant explain or think clearly. Young children and babies may not yet be talking so you maybe able to identify choices and next steps that you can take together to find balance.
5. Emotions can be exhausting. So love yourself and love your child and allow yourself some time to relax and rest and reconnect (at an appropriate time) There is no room for grudges here.
Times are changing and Love is making a come back……………...Have you heard of controlled crying & self soothing? These are not my cup of tea and I appreciate we all like different types of tea and that is fine. But for me I am not a fan and that is because there is no room here for love. Parents are having to shut out their natural urges to love and connect with their child to control a situation and an outcome. Interestingly a Children’s Centre local to me tried to push this method onto me and my non sleeping Reflux baby some years ago…… I recently had a call from them where I found out that they have stopped running any sleep courses as they are concerned about the implications to parent and child's mental and physical health through these methods. They are now retraining all of their staff on a softer approach.
Love not control it just as much about you and your child as it is about others having control over you! Love yourself, nurture yourself and believe in your own Mamaflow!
xx colette xx